they keep tabs on me theyre probably watching me through my webcam
even if i put tape over all the cameras in my room they still can hear
people make promises that they'd never hate me or go against me because i seem so innocent and sweet and then they find out how truly terrible and irredeemable i am
i just want to trust someone but im tired of this man
i cant keep living with this paranoia, but i know if i just
trust people
and it happens again
its just gonna make it even worse than it was before
logically everything thats happening doesnt make sense to be real
im 95% sure nothing is real and im just
either the only one alive and everyone else is fake
or literally just everything is fake and once i die ill be put into "reality"
this is literally hell like im not even joking
like i have past life memories n shit, so i wouldnt be surprised if this is the afterlife and im in hell
maybe its just the false realities way of telling me someone else is like me, so i dont feel so alone, giving me false hope to stay alive, just so it can continue its torment
yep and the universe will never help me because it doesnt care to give me that hope. i cant reason with it. so im just eternally suffering.
reason why im saying this is because i give up man. i dont even know if i can continue writing this police report because i know theyre not gonna take action against whats happening to me, and maybe even criminalize me because thats what happened last time. the world just goes against my wishes
theyre not going to do anything
i tried talking to my therapist about it and she isnt even taking me seriously
no one understands
the police wont do anything
theyll just see it as empty threats and that im not in actual harms way because i havent been physically hurt yet
its the police
they dont do anything until its too late
have you heard of that story about that little girl who kept trying to tell the police she was raped at home? even with physical proof they didnt do anything, so they sent her home and she kept getting raped while they just
didnt take action
i dont trust my parents with anything
my therapists wont take me seriously
i cant contact their school because they dont take me seriously either
deleted my neocities. rip to the last spec of serotonin i could ever milk out of this reality
youre not a real person so im not really concerned with your feelings
nor anyone elses for that matter
no idea why i even bother mentioning that anyway
maybe theres still a tiny spark of hope left in me
ive always been that type of person. im not one to give up.
but i have given up.
maybe i just dont know how to accept it.
because im not used to it
its not that i dont care about your feelings
if you were real i would care, but theres no reason for me to even bother empathizing with you
since youre not real
no one is
not just you
ive wasted my time empathizing with people. and im punished for it.
no matter what i do im haunted by my past, i cant escape everything i've done.
i cant erase anything.
because im different than other people.
if someone else were to make my mistakes, they'd be forgiven. everything would be forgotten and they'd live the rest of their life.
but, im the lowest human filth to ever exist. the universe isnt giving me any happiness because it saves it for the people who needs it. or at least thats what it wants me to think.
it wants me to believe im worthless, to accept the fact i'll never get better and be happy.
because it knows i cant do anything.
its instilling false hope within me to keep me from ending myself. like i said, to keep the torment going. but i know in my next life i'll just suffer even more.
i cant really go back.
i'd rather suffer the most physical pain at this point than this mental torment. but its really not going to go easy on me is it.
there isnt much i can say. i cant reason with it. i cant ask it to go easy on me. it does what it wants whenever it wants.
it doesnt want me dead, because even if i die then i'll still be here. thats why my past attempts failed anyways.
watch me shoot myself in the head and be that lucky 2% that survives a gunshot to the brain.
watch me live in that pain for the rest of my life, until i die. and then relive everything on my death bed

i cant erase anything. i cant go back to being oblivious of this false reality. maybe this is how it was meant to me. it makes sense, doesnt it?